SAVED BY GRACE ALONE
But where sin increased, grace abounded all the more
~Romans 5:20
I believe in justification by faith alone. At least I affirm that objectively. As a pastor, I can preach this sermon after sermon. As a counselor, I can exhort people with this truth. As a brother, I am quick to remind fellow brethren of such a glorious truth. But as a sinner, how difficult this is to accept. Not impossible, but simply difficult. How I wish that the paper I wrote on the distinction between justification and sanctification was as seared in my heart as firmly as it was in my brain during that semester in seminary when I was required to pen it. For some reason, after watching God do tremendous work in my life and after closely observing my progress in the faith, it becomes far too easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the expectation for me is now to be sinless rather than constantly battling sin. I’ll set resolutions. I’ll set parameters. I’ll resolve to discipline myself for the purpose of godliness. I’ll read Scripture. I’ll pray. I’ll schedule out my day, so as to make the most of my time. I’ll closely analyze each moment of the day, so as to ensure that I walk in the path of righteousness pleasing to God and keep away from sin. I firmly believe with all my heart that, as long as I have the Word of God stored in my heart and the Spirit of God fueling my life, I will manage to stay away from sin.
And then it happens. The dreaded thing happens. I sin. And I know it. I feel it before it happens, know it when it happens, and feel the effects after it happens. But I sin. For that brief moment of disobedience, it seems as if everything that I learned just went out the window. All that righteousness that I had hoped to “store up” for myself (though I wouldn’t admit it so readily) seemed to amount to absolutely nothing after completely falling short of the glory of God. After having mistakenly felt good about my progress and walk, I am shockingly reminded during that brief moment that – should I fall down and die – I would be absolutely worthy of eternal punishment. I don’t doubt my salvation, but I begin to have doubts as to whether I really had been growing and progressing like I thought I was. At that moment, I begin to panic. I begin to fear that God would no longer want to look at me, and start to frantically brainstorm of ways in which I can clean myself up and fix myself before approaching God again. I see the Bible on the table, but I’m too ashamed to read it. I feel God waiting to hear from me in prayer, but I’m too embarrassed to talk to Him. How could I, after completely falling on my face before Him – not because I was too weak, but because I was simply disobedient? It was if at that very moment, I was shocked to be reminded that – in the midst of all the character growth and increasing involvement in God’s ministry – I am still a sinner before Him. It was if I forgot that, before His throne, after all that I’ve done since running the race of faith, I still have absolutely nothing to offer Him as an atonement for my sin. After so many people come to you for help, it’s easy to start thinking that somehow God has made a provision for the sins of everyone else but mine. Thus, when I sin, I’m severely tested as to whether I really trust in the gospel that I proclaim to everyone else. Would I, after all that’s happened and after the tremendous growth in spiritual maturity, be man enough to humble myself before God as a spiritually impoverished soul who has to completely entrust himself to nothing but the grace of God? I look at all that I have accomplished, and realize that nothing that I have done has the power to redeem me from the penalty of my sin. Not the stack of sermons that I preached for the mid-week Bible study and Sunday services. Not the number of people that I counseled and discipled to maturity. Not number of hours I spent shepherding my family to serve the Lord. Not the Bible translations. Not the hours spent in prayer. Nothing, nothing nothing….except the work done on Calvary by someone other than myself.
As a pastor, as a father, as a husband, as a Christian, it’s at times still hard for me to admit that I’m a sinner. That I’m not just a wounded soldier of the good fight or a fatigued runner of the race of faith, but that I’m still filled with disobedience in my heart, is one of the most painful realities to be confronted with. To go before my Father, Lord, Savior and fully confess the fact that I have nothing to offer Him except a faith in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ is more than humbling. It is, to my ego, humiliating. Yet, how many times will God pick me up after falling completely short of His standards? How many times will He show grace when I continually fail? How many second chances will I get after completely blowing it not once, not twice, but over and over again? I know that He is a holy God and a righteous God. But to truly believe that He is a gracious God is, believe it or not, tremendously testing to my proud soul. Yet, what a beautiful place it is for me to be, to realize that I am called not to trust in my own works, but rather in the completed person and work of Jesus Christ? I am not a child because I earned my right into God’s family, but because of God’s sovereign choice to mercifully and graciously adopt me as His very own son. He commissions me to the field of gospel ministry not because of my qualifications, but rather despite my utter unworthiness. He grants me the honor of shepherding my family and my church not because I deserved it, but despite the fact that I currently don’t deserve it. He promises me salvation not because I am worthy of heaven, but simply because it is in His good pleasure to see me arrive there. My life then was designed not to demonstrate my perfect walk, but His perfect patience and super-abounding grace. For where my sin increases, so His grace abounds even more!
So here I am, still a sinner and admittedly so, but with a heart absolutely rejoicing in my blessed status. For I considered the very first words of my Savior’s longest earthly sermon: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God.”
