Study the Buck. Don’t Shoot it. 

Recovering the essential skill of listening

“He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him.” ~Proverbs 18:13

I’ve seen it time and time again. A young man gains solid biblical teaching from a sound, biblical, evangelical church. He immediately adopts the Ezra 7:10 mentality, becoming eater to study, practice, and teach the Word of God – formally or informally. Discipleship, counseling, and leading small groups becomes an ambition for his zealous soul. But rather than treating the sound doctrine he learns as lenses through which to understand the world around him more clearly, he stores them as bullets for his rifle. He then sets out on a hunting expedition, also known as his first discipleship or counseling where he is the mentor rather than the pupil. He braces himself, waiting for the buck – also known as the erred statement of the person with whom he’s meeting – to emerge from the forest trees. The moment of truth arrives when the buck emerges, and he does what a good hunter does: he fires and hits his target. The buck falls lifeless. The young hunter-minister stands proud of his great aim, having corrected his erred pupil with a series of theological bullets. 

The problem, however, is that he wasn’t supposed to shoot the buck; he was supposed to study it. Don’t get me wrong; there is a place and time to shoot. But the man of God is a shepherd more than a hunter. He shoots at the wolves, and not at the bucks. And not at the eagles or the foxes. 

People have asked me in the past what I believe is the most important skill in life and ministry, particularly in the realm of pastoral and biblical counseling. I always find it difficult to answer that question, but what I can answer is what I’ve observed to be the most neglected skill in the reformed, evangelical community – and even amongst pastors and leaders. And that is the skill of listening. 

For a minister – be he a pastor, preacher, mentor, evangelist, or counselor – there is a time to teach and a time to listen. Ministers wholly committed to rightly interpreting and communicating the Word of God (and praise the Lord for this) often make the mistake of treating every time as a time to preach and teach. Their counseling and discipleship meetings become forty-five minute Bible expositions. But when you’re always teaching, you’re never listening. And if you’re never listening, then you’re never learning. And if you’re never learning, the Bible calls you foolish. And as a result, many people in church are hesitant to be honest about the reality of how they’re doing and what’s happening in life. Their to expose the critters of their heart, even the harmless squirrels and badgers, comes out of the fear that they’ll get rifled one after the other. I’ve surveyed a number of folks – particularly young men – about this very thing. Why are they afraid to be honest? At times, it’s pride. But the majority of the time, it’s because a previous attempt to be transparent about the realities of life has only triggered an barrage of counsel from answer-happy pastors. You can’t blame them. Why would they want to be honest with someone who won’t listen? I for sure wouldn’t. Would you?

For the record, the goal of a counseling and discipleship meeting is not mere comprehension of a person. The goal is, well, to give counsel or instruction. I’m not denying the importance of the didactic component in these settings. Helping involves more than hearing. But you can’t help when you don’t hear. Counsel and instruction – even if it is biblically sound – must be given as appropriate to a person’s condition or circumstances. There is such a thing as saying the right thing to the wrong person, or to say the right thing to the right person at the wrong time or in the wrong way. One of the antidotes to this is the application of skillful listening. Only when you put down the rifle and take out the specs will you realize that, at times, what you thought was a wolf really was a stray husky that looked like a wolf but is harmless to the sheep. Only then, will the rest of the critters of a man’s heart emerge for you to observe. Only when you listen will you truly understand. And only when you understand are you in a position to give counsel or instruction. Consider the following Scripture:

“He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him” ~Proverbs 18:13

“A plan in the heart of a man is like deep water, but the man of understanding draws it out” ~Proverbs 20:5

“A fool does not delight in understanding, but only in revealing his own mind.” ~Proverbs 18:2

Study the buck. Don’t shoot it. 

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Exposing Your Teeth to the Dentist

Honesty in the Discipleship Relationship 

“For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds  ay be manifested as having been wrought in God.” (John 3:20-21)

You can’t say “yes” to every young man who requests to be discipled or mentored by you. Partly, it’s because you’re not omnipresent. But more importantly, not everyone can be effectively discipled.

I fully recognize that at times, some one-on-one mentoring relationships haven’t been successful or fruitful simply because I wasn’t the right guy to work with a particular personality (see a previous entry I wrote called “Chemistry – Does it Matter?”). This I concede, and I’m more than happy to see a young man who may have previously driven me up the wall suddenly flourishing in his walk with Christ under the mentoring ministry and guidance of another. But this aside, I’ve also learned that certain young men just can’t be effectively discipled (at least, during particular points in their life) because they’re resistant to exhibiting this particular virtue known as honest transparency.

You’re not called to be transparent with every person. But you need to be so to the one from whom you’re seeking discipleship. If a man isn’t honest with where he is, what he wants, and where he’s struggling, I’ve simply learned not to proceed with the discipleship process or to cease a previously commenced one. For while honesty is not the sole virtue needed for growth in a Christian, it’s a non-negotiable one. Christ, instructing nicodemus about the nature of a true disciple, says, “For everyone who does evil hates the Light and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But he who practices the truth comes to the light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God” (John 3:20-21). The implication is this: a man who isn’t transparently honest about himself, his motives, his struggles, his deeds, and his ambitions is by definition one who loves his sin and refuses to expose them lest he be compelled to unhinge himself from them. He is the man who walks into the dentist’s office and refuses to open his mouth for the inspection portion of the treatment. Such a man simply can’t be treated, no matter how skilled and experienced the dentist.

Conversely, the investment or hours and weeks – and sometimes years –  into the man who exhibits such honest transparency comes with the great reward of watching the fledgling transform into a full-flighted eagle. Such men almost assuredly surmount previously insurmountable obstacles, in the same way that man who cried “Help me with my unbelief!” eventually learned to believe. Discipling the honest man, without a doubt, brings about some of the greatest blessings in ministry.

After all, it is the one who learns to expose his teeth to the dentist whose teeth will eventually be treated.

A Fellowship of Men in the Presence of God


Reflections on the 2017 GBF Men’s Retreat

And He said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a secluded place and rest a while.” For there were many people coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat. They went away in the boat to a secluded place by themselves. 

~Mark 6:31-32

This past weekend marked my first experience at a men’s retreat. And it was awesome. Or should I say, uniquely awesome. 

A bit ironic, perhaps, given that speaking and exhorting the men of the church in whatever capacity induces the strongest heartbeat in pastors and ministers. Ironic, surely, given that counseling, discipling, training, ministering with and being educated alongside men has comprised more than a good slice of my life’s pie. Pastors’ conferences, men’s breakfasts, church leadership get-always, I’d been to them all. But an all-inclusive men’s retreat – it was, for some reason, my first. I hope it won’t be the last. 

An Ancient Activity

The gathering of a select group of God’s men to a secluded area, away from the regular responsibilities of daily life, for a concentrated time to absorb the Word of God and be refreshed by the company of one another is no novelty. If anything, it’s a classic endeavor. Christ would frequently take His twelve to the mountains or secluded places for prayer, teaching, or simply rest from the crowds. At the GBF Men’s Retreat, we weren’t Christ and His twelve, but we were a group of twenty-three saints tucked away for an over-night get-away at the American River – a couple of hundred miles away from our home base in Silicon Valley. Engaged we were in an ancient activity. There’s something special about tapping into the classics. 

Pondering the Person of Christ

On Friday evening, the men opened up the Word of God together, specifically from Mark 14:26-50, and studied Christ while examining ourselves from the same passage. We first examined the fleshly traits that so often beget us and hinder us from a full-fledged pursuit of biblical masculinity – conceit, casualness, and cowardice. Then, in the subsequent session, we pondered the godliness of Christ as laid out in this near-apex of the Scriptures. There was Christ before us – the seeking man, the suffering man, the submissive man, the settled man, the sacrificial man. Christ may not have not been present with us in physical body, but His person was made vivid through the revelation of the Bible. And contemplate Him we did. Then, on Saturday morning, we went rafting. 

In the Presence of the Untamed God

It’s every little boy’s dream, only it was different as a grown man. Rafting is every bit as humbling as it was exhilarating – not because any of us fell into the river, but because the river wouldn’t listen to us. We could only navigate through the river’s rapids and currents; we couldn’t command them. The American river flowed at a direction and with a vigor wholly independent of our will, causing me to consider that the majority inanimate earth remains untamed. Yet, even this river flowed only by the decrees of Almighty God. I was reminded once again – as I’m sure were the rest of the men – that it isn’t the river that is untamed; it is the Lord Himself, to whom the entire universe belongs and obeys (cf Job 38). There is nothing that a man needs more than to realize that he stands perpetually in the presence of the untamed God. 

Witnessing the Work of the Spirit

But the 4 hours of rafting left us with a good 16 hours (for you math geeks, I subtracted the time spent rafting and sleeping) together. That’s 16 hours driving together, stomaching steaks and scrambled eggs together, studying the Word together, exploring the camp grounds together, sitting around lanterns (or, rather, lantern-looking flashlights) rehearsing stories together. It was “male-bonding” as it’s normally termed, only it was everything but normal. It was unique – not because it’s unique for a group of twenty three men to do all these things together over a weekend, but because it’s unique for a group as eclectic as ours to have done so. The oldest man in our group was a grandfather in his late 60s; the youngest, 15 – an incoming junior in high school – with everything in between and with roots from different farming grounds. Some were born and raised in California; others from Idaho; some, from China, Kuwait, and Hawaii; others, from Virginia and Tennessee. The group consisted of engineers, collegians, writers, business owners, and pastors. Some were athletes; some were artists. A homogeneity meter of virtually zero. But this is the nature of Christ’s church, whose fellowship spans every culture, generation, ethnicity, occupation, and socio-economic background. I’ve been around the block long enough to realize that not all local churches reflect this. And so to witness the diversity amongst the men present – to witness the fellowship of our church’s men break through the barriers that normally confine immunities and social groups – was witnessing a redemptive work covered by the Holy Spirit’s fingerprints (cf Galatians 3). 

So there you have it: an overnight trip to the American river with twenty-three men engaging in an ancient activity of pondering Christ apart from the normal responsibilities of life, in the presence of the untamed God, witnessing the redemptive work of the Spirit. That, my friends, was the 2017 GBF Men’s Retreat. 

Identifying and Avoiding the Gossip

“He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, But he who is trustworthy conceals a matter.” ~Proverbs 11:13 

“He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, Therefore do not associate with a gossip.” ~Proverbs 20:19 

“For lack of wood the fire goes out, And where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down…The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels, And they go down into the innermost parts of the body.” ~Proverbs 26:20, 22 

I was taught as a child not to associate with strangers. Later, in my budding years as a Christian, I was told not to closely associate with false teachers and unrepentant sinners. But it was only after marrying a prudent woman of God that I was warned not to associate with gossips. For her wisdom I thank the Lord everyday.
Scripture says, after all, to love all but never to associate with all. The Scripture says to do good to all, but to walk closely with a select few. But this particular dissociation with the gossiper wasn’t always mentioned or stressed in the Christian circles of which I’ve been a part. Perhaps it was because gossip is sometimes difficult to identify. But perhaps, it’s also because gossip is naturally hard to both avoid or abstain from. 

Before gossip can be avoided, it must be identified. And before it can be identified, it must be defined. Gossip is both qualitative and quantitative in nature. Gossip is more than just speaking ill of others or revealing the most private of information. Proverbs 20:19 defines a gossip as one who habitually reveals information, period. There’s a difference between testifying truthfully about a situation or person and spreading information about a person in an unsolicited or unwarranted manner. Gossipers are those who inherently have very little – if any – respect for the privacy of people and their lives. To them, information gathered is information to be dispensed. There habitually spread the details of peoples lives – the good, the bad, the ugly, and the neutral – over the community like butter over bread, using the very butter knife of their tongue. While they are not always malicious (engaging in gossip does not always necessitate evil intent), they simply like to be in the know and make known. You know a gossiper by the sheer amount of time he or she spends talking to people about people. They have a natural instinct to expose, rather than protect, the details of the lives of the people around them. 

Gossipers make an easy living in this world because people are naturally curious about people. It’s not surprising that tabloid magazines never go out of print, for the the human flesh naturally finds gossip delectable (Proverbs 18:8). You’d expect the circulation of such behavior in the world, but it’s more unfortunate when it is both present and cultivated in the church. I have personally been a part of church circles and church affinity groups in which gossip was simply the currency of the fellowship. Such behavior caused a considerable amount of pain and grief for both me and my wife, and we have since learned to be careful with the people with whom we choose to confide and spend time. 

Thus, I’ve learned to identify the gossip given the definition above. They’re actually not difficult to spot, as they are often revealed by two things: 1) what they tell you about others 2) the kind of question they ask about you. A gossip will habitually tell me things about people that I have honestly no business knowing and that I didn’t ask about. The information they share about people are neither purposeful or encouraging. Gossips, without your inquiry, will tell you what Bruce likes to eat for dinner, the marriage problems and Mike and Shelly are experiencing, the after-school activities that Katie takes her kids to, how Aaron asked Amber out but was rejected, and how Wes is not going to Cornerstone Bible Church. Conversely, gossips will also ask you questions that are “probing.” – not because they themselves are trying to get to know you or learn from you, but because they need some currency to spend. I can identify a gossip when there is a disproportion between their level of closeness to me and the things that they inquire about me, my family, and my ministry. I find it particularly sad when close friends learn about the particulars of my life from individuals with whom I rarely interact, but it happens. 

Once identified, the Scriptures are explicit: “Do not associate with a gossip” says Proverbs 20:19. Gossipers are not to be hated or mistreated or slandered. But they are not to be associated with. They are not spend considerable amount of time with. They are not to be confided in. They are not to be walked closely with. It’s not about playing favorites; it’s about playing wisely. If you desire to navigate through this side of eternity skillfully in such a way that maximizes your involvement in the furtherance of the kingdom and your influence in the disciple-making process for the glory of Christ, the relational sphere in which you integrate yourself matters dearly. That means who you walk with and who you avoid are no minor issues. So stay away from those people who make a living by telling you about others and telling others about you. You life and ministry will be richly blessed should you do so. 

Reflecting on the Gift of Family 

A brother was born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17)

On my office desk, co-existing with the stacks of books and binders that constitute my ministry toolbox, sits a picture that was taken 19 years ago. It is one of my parents, brother, two sisters, and myself. The place: Honolulu, Hawaii, in the living room of our Hawaii Kai Queen’s Gate home. The date: July 31, 1997 – the evening of my younger sister’s 12th birthday. That picture was the last complete family picture that we took.  

Less than a month after it was taken, my parents separated and divorced shortly after. We haven’t taken a picture with the six of us together since.  

The photo serves as a reminder of my roots, of the family soil from which I bloomed. Life has moved on for all – parents and children alike. Today, my father lives in the Philippines; my mother in Las Vegas. Both are remarried. I see my mother a number of times a year on special occasions, and my father about once every year and a half. My brother currently lives in Phoenix with his wife and three children. I see him a few times a year, and our kids are the best of buddies. Both of my sisters are married and live in the Bay Area; them, I see quite often, since we live inhabit the same part of the globe. During the first two weeks of September of last year, I had a chance to see all of them – yes, all six of them and their families. Kathy, the two kids, and I spent a week in Asia with my father, and then traveled straight to Hawaii for one week for my mother’s sixtieth birthday celebration, where all my siblings and their families were present. It was a blessedly refreshing time for us all, and it prompted me to write this entry.

There was a particularly long stretch of life when I valued friends above family. When I headed off to college, I had no real ambition to remain close to my parents and siblings. I began trekking a new trail, restructuring my sphere of close relationships that consisted entirely of Christian friends from church or fellowship. Toward family, it was less of a despising and more of simple disinterest. I saw them as infrequently as possible, and during the times that I did I was distant and aloof. Perhaps it was an outflow of a man who was seeking to find my identity in my newly forming social circles. I vividly recall a conversation with my brother the day before I was scheduled to fly to Phoenix for a family reunion, during which he asked me why it was that I had planned it such that I would fly into Phoenix and also leave the evening of that same day. He asked me why it was that, every time we had a family event scheduled (which wasn’t even that frequent), I seemed to always be interested in leaving earlier than everyone else. I was offended during that phone conversation…and it was mainly because he was right.  

In that particular season, a reality was concurrently beginning to unfold of which I became aware only near the tail end; I would go through one cycle after another of gaining and losing friends. Close confidants became people to avoid. Those who vowed loyalty one day would betray it in the next. But throughout the rising and setting of friendships, my brother and sisters remained by my side. My parents never removed their love and support. To say that “they were always there for me” sounds cliche-ish, but its truth can’t be denied.  

Admittedly, I used to think that exhibiting strong familial ties were particular to certain cultures and not to others. Over the years, I’ve come to understand that it is not fundamentally a cultural practice, but a biblical principle that stems from both biblical commandments and biblical wisdom. Cain, though he denied such a responsibility, was called to be his brother’s keeper. In the Old Testament, Hebrew slaves in the Old Testament who were too poor to redeem themselves were to be redeemed by their blood brothers – hence the term “kinsman redeemer.” A woman who was widowed by her husband’s death was called to be taken by that man’s brother as his wife. In the New Testament, believers are commanded to be devoted to one another in “brotherly affection” (Romans 12:10), carrying the implication that the relationship amongst brothers ought to both valued and be set as the model for the way the members of God’s church were meant to treat one another. So yes, I admit that in my previous failing to value family, I was biblically off the mark.  

Today, Cuevas siblings do live our separate lives, exclusive of each other in its daily workings. My older brother, the business-savvy one, currently works in Phoenix as a product manager for Annexus. My older sister, the logical genius of the bunch, works at Google as a senior software engineer and team lead manager. My younger sister, in many ways the clan’s most talented, will be starting a professorship at U.C. Davis for bioinorganic chemistry. As for me, the “different” one as my mother told me on the eve of my college graduation (it’s a euphemism for “headstrong”), am a full-time vocational minister of the gospel of Jesus Christ. As it is, we don’t get into each other’s business or tell each other what to do. Quarreling and arguing are as rare as a Diamond Head volcano erruptions, if not altogether non-existent. Our reunion routine: we start with loud “Hi!’s”, embrace, find a place to eat at a restaurant, and talk. There’s a lot of story-telling, laughing, and reminiscing about our childhood – both the good and the bad. Nothing can replace that. There’s something particularly special about the common grace that was extended to us through my parents and how they raised us. And as I write this, I’m humbled that the Lord didn’t repay me for my previous perspective of at times throwing them under the rug, and instead kept me integrated into their lives.  

As we continue to stay in touch as adults, I’ve reflected deeply on Proverbs 17:17: “A brother was born for adversity.” The meaning is simple. God providentially gave us parents, brothers, and sisters to be one of the greatest sources of security, safety, and support during life’s most adverse seasons. I knew this biblically; I now know it experientially.

So live we must, as Christians, for the kingdom of God and the ministry of the gospel to the ends of the earth. The ministry today to which God has commissioned me and Kathy – the pastoral ministry of the gospel and edification of the church in the Bay Area region – is an endeavor that is mutually exclusive of my familial ties. But my parents and siblings remain a most valuable and lasting set of earthly relationships apart from the ones I have with my wife and children, and ones deserving of great honor. It just took me a while to figure that out. 

Mentoring Young Men 101 (Part 3)

The main premise of this series is that biblical discipleship and mentoring of young men is primarily about training them to think. I left off saying that the hope for those who seek to engage in such a ministry is that we are products not ultimately of our natural tendencies or historical upbringing, but rather new creation continually transformed into the image of Christ both in who we are and what we do. That includes Christian discipleship and mentoring. The goal of this third leg of the series is to show how the method of mentoring young men explicated in the first two entries was the very method employed by Christ Himself. 

For the record, Jesus did a lot of explicit commanding. He gave a lot of direct prescriptions. As the Lord of the universe, He did indeed tell people what to do, sometimes with a pointedness and bluntness that would cause a collective squirming in our uber-politically correct society. But when browse through the interactions with His twelve disciples and the manner, and observe how He trained them by pressing upon them a mindset. 

The following examples are mere snapshots of His discipleship method:

When the disciples initially didn’t permit the children to approach Jesus, He rebuked them, told them otherwise, and said, “the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” He trained them to think differently about children than the rest of the world did (Luke 18:16)

When the disciples began to argue with one another as to whom was the greatest, Christ explained, “the one who is greatest among you must become like he youngest, and the leader like the servant.” He trained them to think differently about greatness than the Gentile world did. (Luke 22:25-26)

When the disciples panicked when trapped in the middle of the storm in the Sea of Galilee, Christ asked them after calming the winds and the waves, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?” He was training them to think differently about Him in light of jeopardizing life circumstances. (Mark 4:40)

When the disciples urged Him to eat after a long journey and a conversation with the Samaritan woman, Christ replied, “My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to accomplish His work.” He was training them to think differently about true nourishment and priorities in life. (John 4:31-34)

When one of the disciples cut off the ear of the slave who tried to arrest Him, He replied, “Put your sword back into its place; for all who take up the sword by perish to the sword. Or do you think that I cannot appeal to My Father, and He will at once put at My disposal more than twelve legions of angels?” He was training them to think differently about meekness, suffering, and submission. (Matthew 26:51-53)

When the disciples questioned Him with regards to His exhortation to the rich young ruler regarding how one can be saved, He responded, “With people, it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God.” He was training them to think differently about the way to salvation and the nature of discipleship. (Mark 10:23-27)

When the disciples asked him about the way to the Father, He responded: “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.” He was training them to think accurately about who His identity. (John 14:1-6)

Christ did more than prescribe His disciples the right actions. He first helped them arrive at the right conclusions. 

For three years, the twelve walked with Christ, during which He passed down a lens through which they would interpret life, and it was when they learned to think differently that they were ready to minister mightily. He didn’t just tell them what to do; He trained them how to think. Is it not for this reason that our Lord Himself said, 

“The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light.” (Matthew 6:22)

The world and the church alike are thirsting for godly young men. The world, to delay its inevitable decay; the church, to catalyze its promised edification. These godly young men are here, and thirsting for mentoring. Let the church then do its duty and mentor these men by training them up to think as Christ did. 

Mentoring Young Men 101 (Part 2)

As mentioned in the previous entry, the discipleship of men is about training men how to think, rather than telling them what to do. Over the last decade or so, I’ve communicated this very thesis to men who have a heart to disciple others in both private meetings and corporate leadership training sessions. And, for the most part, the message was received well. I’ve rarely had a well-meaning Christian genuinely seeking to grow in the effectiveness of his ministry fight me on this issue.
Yet for so many of these men, when the rubber meets the road, they still don’t biblically disciple. So what causes so many well-meaning men to short-circuit in the discipleship process? (I’m assuming that the subjects addressed are indeed well-meaning; Ill-motivated men who seek to disciple others are an entirely different story). I believe that the answer has to do with our history as well as our anthropological tendencies as X-Y chromosomal creatures. When we’re not empowered by the Spirit to engage skillfully and deftly in the Christian ministry of life-on-life discipleship, historical bad habits and tendencies of the flesh take over.      

The following is not a comprehensive list, but rather simply four observations I’ve gleaned over the years. Four (of several) common causes that effect men tend to struggle with the implementing the biblically intended design of discipleship in their mentoring of other men are:

1)The lack of training or marred training regarding discipleship
2)The impatience that so often characterizes men 

3)The ego-oriented nature that so often characterizes men

4)The tendency of men to immediately trouble-shoot 


Cause #1: The lack of or marred training regarding discipleship 

I’m aware of the plethora of printed material that is circulated amongst various Christian circles regarding formal methods of mentoring and discipleship – church and para-alike. Para-church campus fellowships such as InterVarsity, Campus Crusade for Christ, and Navigators all circulate their own have their formal systems of discipleship amongst their affiliates. Several local churches that I’m aware of have their unique systems to which their leadership and members subscribe and teach. I’ve seen and read the materials used, and much of the content is good. The problem is when the men who are produced from these discipleship systems try to implement the exact same system when discipling others. Soon, discipleship in the church becomes a cookie-cutter ministry. It’s a problem, because a cookie-cutter ministry is meant for cookies, not people. Not every Christian man should be required to keep Scripture memory flashcards or weekly journals. Not every Christian man will benefit equally from the same set of Christian literature. While formalized discipleship materials can be helpful as compasses, discipleship in the church was never intended by Christ to be standardized to a man-made curriculum. The only authoritative book on Christian discipleship is – you guessed it! – the Bible. And when it comes to one-on-one mentoring, biblical truth was meant to be transported through the vehicle of your own life (1 Thessalonians 2:6, 2 Timothy 3:13ff), not through a written curriculum.  

Cause #2: The impatience that often characterizes men

I remember speaking to a godly man in our church once who told me that when his wife found out that he was scheduled to teach a Sunday school class on the topic of patience, she laughed at him. Upon hearing this, I thought to myself, “Wow, I guess all men really are the same!” Men are, by nature, impatient. We’re interested in final products more than growth processes. When I was a school-teacher, I realized that boys generally are lazier about “showing work” than girls because it “took up time.” I’ve found that men generally have more difficulty than women when it comes to the virtue of waiting. Thus, when it comes to mentoring younger bucks, it’s easier for us to say rather than to shape. And the fact of the matter is that it takes a whole lot less hours to tell a guy what to do than to train him how to think. To be a trainer of men, rather than duplicator of self means that a man must refrain from attempting to trouble-shoot every wrong conclusion at once. For a creature given to impatience, this is no easy task.  

Cause #3: The ego-oriented nature that so often characterizes men

Women complain that men have big egos. I can’t disagree. Men are indeed ego-oriented. Better yet, we’re imprint-oriented. We like to duplicate ourselves, generally much more strongly than women do. A lot of mothers wanted children because they want to nurture children; a lot of fathers want children because they themselves want to be imprinted after, for their genes to be passed down. Back in the day, it was expected for sons to take up their father’s trade. Fathers thus trained their sons to – you guessed it – become like them. And while it may have been a cultural or historical-sociological construct (most men today in the Western world don’t go into their profession of choice that their dads did), there’s an underlying anthropological reality. Generally speaking, men care much more about being imprinted after than do women. The negative aspects of such sometimes carry over to discipleship relationships.
Cause #4: The tendency of men to immediately trouble-shoot

Men are, by nature, wired to problem-solve. We would rather problem-solve than data-gather. We’d rather solve problems than discern profiles. We’d rather fix what’s on the outside rather than understand what’s on the inside. Men are wired to modify behavior in a formulaic manner. While there are strengths to this, it can also add viscosity to the discipleship process. Desiring to always solve problems can leave a man stranded when mentoring another man because of the sheer fact that people are not problems to be solved by other people. We’re human beings made in the image of God with our own volition and set of emotions, and not robots under the control of human engineers. When discipling a younger man by training him to think, a man must restrain himself from trying to trouble-shoot everything, and embrace the reality that he isn’t going to have all problems solved by the end of the hour. It is God who brings change upon a person’s life, and He does so at His own timing. A man learn that those under his care are under his shepherding care, not his engineering care.  

Thankfully, we as ministers are ultimately not products of our own history or natural tendencies, but rather new creation continually transformed into the image of Christ by the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit. Godly mentoring was a ministry of Christ Himself. And that’s Part 3 of this series…